I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My ass is underappreciated
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