Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
