I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
