I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
