He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
