If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Randomize
