i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
