What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
