Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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