just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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