Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
