vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
