I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
