i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
