Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
