she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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