she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
