it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
