ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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