i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
