My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You pole danced in your parka.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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