saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
