I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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