i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
So vagazzling was a success
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
