To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He? As in you personified your dick?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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