4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
