??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
wow bdsm is so cute
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
