I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
