I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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