if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
