I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
