the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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