Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
