Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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