At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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