i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
