I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
