if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just pynch a tree in the face
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
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