Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
