someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
