He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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