he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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