Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
