I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
