So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
