I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I think i got beer on your cat.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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