My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I have post one night stand depression
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
