So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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