Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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