I swear she didn't look like that last week.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
