Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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