Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
