The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
