All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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